if 

if you really are in love

truly without a doubt

I am rooting for you

let your bones and muscles be strong

to chase the prize to the end of the earth

always just beyond arm’s reach

you can almost…

almost…

if you stretch enough…

your fingertips just brushed it

soft, silky smooth

the texture of daydreams

the material if heaven

the stuff of sonnets

and one day

just before your legs give out

it’ll be in your weary grasp

yours to take 

yours to triump

it’s all I want for you

it’s all I want for all

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Proust Questionnaire

Since I’ve never done the Proust questionnaire, I wanted to start an experiment where I take it every year to see if personality shifts post age 30, or remains pretty much fixed.

I know this will seem rather self-indulgent, so my apologies. Just feel free to skip this post, or, if you like, relentlessly mock my answers in the comment section.

What’s your idea of perfect happiness?

A dip in the ocean on a hot summer day while people laugh at my jokes. Oh, and I’m eating chocolate.

What is your most marked characteristic?

An air of aloof, but kind, mystery

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Getting through childhood and adolescence without becoming a criminal or a sociopath

What is your greatest fear?

A life of mediocrity

Which historical figure do you identify with?

Sylvia Plath

Which living person do you most admire?

Kanye West, Elon Musk, Elizabeth Warren

Who are your heroes in life?

Artists

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Shyness

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Aggression

What is your favorite journey?

Death, when it eventually happens

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Chastity

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Fuck

What is your greatest regret?

Never completing college

What is your current state of mind?

Creativity zone

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

Nothing. They are all exactly where they need to be at this stage in their growth and I love them all more than anything.

What is your most treasured possession?

My pink coat.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

The uber conservative mindset

Where would you like to live?

France, Italy, Bali. I’ll split my time between the three.

What is your favorite occupation?

Writer

What is the quality you most like in a man?

Humor

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Humor

What are your favorite names?

Esther Rose

What is your motto?

Do no harm to others, go nuts on yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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mock copy

Today my very thoughtful boyfriend brought me back a chocolate bar from the grocery store. I had been eating a mostly raw, vegan, sugar/booze/caffeine-free diet for a month, so I was really looking forward to the break from such extreme restriction. I requested something with caramel and sea salt, and he came back with this:

photo 2 (3)

Great choice. Perfect choice, actually. A wonderful match for my gluttonous Saturday night. As I poured myself a glass of red wine, I turned over the bar’s label and discovered this:

photo 1 (3)

Jesus fucking Christ. We have Katrina, privileged, well-educated, rich, and beautiful, indoctrinating us to some sort of pretentious foodie yoga routine. What the fuck is a ujjayi, Katrina? Listen, I know you’re trying bring some class and worldliness to the favored snack of menstruating women and Cathy cartoons, but let me tell you how this is really going to go down…

How To Enjoy a Chocolate Bar (by ufosandrainbows)

Breathe…Try to take some time in between shoving this bar into your mouth to catch your breath.

See…See this bar? It’s big and divided into smaller squares. Let’s not get carried away. Maybe try to eat only 1-2 squares at a time.

Smell…It smells good, I’m going to eat the whole thing in one sitting.

Taste…Eat the whole thing within 30 seconds.

Snap…Try not to panic about the acne and gas that will surface shortly afterward.

With peace, love, and type 2 diabetes,

ufosandrainbows

 

 

 

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goblins

I believe in goblins

ghosts, gouls, and men 

lurking in corners,

dancing in shadows

they knock at your door

you close your eyes and they come closer

you squeeze them tight

they’re in your ear

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turtle

the sun sets on what is familiar

and the wolves fall in line

who am I to question

who am I to persuade

if my day comes

(and I pray and pray it may it may)

I’ll remain a spark

(a light that never dies)

expanding and deflating

meditating and waiting

on what was and is

a game of wits

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there comes a time

there comes a time in your life when self-indulgence grows unappealing. namely the parade of escape and isolation: alcohol, cleanses, selfish writing, vapid online content consumption, exercise, whatnot.

I don’t want to be so obsessed with myself, especially factors I can’t control. I want to give back and create. I want to stop wallowing. I want to be a part of something. In that I’ll find freedom.

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Whole30 Days 15-30

This is the final post documenting my Whole30. I know I previously posted on a weekly basis, but I got lazy and bored with the idea. It’s a miracle I’m writing this post right now. Anyway, here’s my experience with the last half of it:

Day 15:

Felt ok energy-wise, but I experienced mild UTI symptoms by the end of the day. I decided it was the coffee and the fruit. I’m very sensitive to coffee and anything sweet. I decided I would cut out coffee entirely in a few days, after I completed an important exam.

Day 16:

I struggled with feeling apathetic and craving sugar. Just really bored with this way of eating. By nightfall I was hyper alert and feeling slight flu symptoms.

Day 17:

Barely slept. Woke up with flu symptoms and nausea. There was a cystic acne bump on my nose. I don’t typically get those type of blemishes so I assumed my body was expelling toxins.

Day 18:

Felt better today and decided today was the day I say goodbye to coffee. My first 8 days on the Whole30 were coffee-free, so I had been drinking a cup (or 3) every day for the 10 days in a row. I’m sensitive to caffeine and it does a number on me when I regularly consume it and try to give it up. Any funky symptoms that come up over the next few days or so could be more attributed to caffeine detox than Whole30.

Day 19:

Felt very weak and sore, probably just the caffeine withdrawal.

Day 20:

Fatigued with joint pain. I slept 9-10 hours at night, which is uncommon for me.

Day 21:

Emotional and tired. Didn’t sleep well. Craving alcohol and felt fed up with the diet.

Day 22:

Slept 9-10 hours again. Felt less sore. Today was probably the last day coffee withdrawal messed with me.

Day 23

Literally the only note I wrote for this day was “good”

Day 24:

Note for this day read “insomnia. not as good”

Day 25:

I found it hard to wind down at night. Really keyed up, but I forced myself to fall asleep at ten last night and woke up feeling great in the morning. Had an atypical pimple on my forehead which I wrote off as a detox reaction. Had a very great and energetic yoga class.

Day 26:

Woke up feeling creaky. Didn’t sleep well.

Day 27:

Felt fine. Ready for the diet to end.

Days 28-30:

Felt good energy-wise, almost “tiger blood” like. But craving sweets.

Day 31:

Binged on wine, plantain chips, chocolate, and pizza. Felt like garbage. I prefer eating a high vegetable/moderate protein/low fruit/grain-free diet. I had my copper IUD of almost 4 years removed midway through the Whole30. I believe it had been making me sick and lethargic for a long time. I suspect my copper levels are way too high, causing chronic fatigue, insomnia, adrenal fatigue, eczema and acne, even worsening my scoliosis. A 30 day strict paleo diet wasn’t enough for me to remedy that situation. Copper detox can take months. I am grateful, however, to have the chance to reset my preferences. It really helped me to realize just important it is for me to rest and nourish my body with proper nutrition. I’m going to continue with this way of eating (and no more coffee!) until I feel like a normal person again. I had a taste of that near the end. It would be amazing to feel that almost every day.

One more thing:

I had noted eczema and fatigue were my primary reasons for embarking on the Whole 30. My eczema is much better, although my skin is still very dry. Again, I believe the root cause is a copper imbalance and it will take months to correct. My fatigue is clearing up as well. I felt pretty immobilized up until late week 3, but good once I got over that slump. I truly believe eating this way and taking supplements to address the copper excess are my key to feeling better in the long run. I also want to note I did Bikram fucking yoga 24 out of the 30 days. That’s not an east feat while you’re going through detox symptoms. I’m still on the fence as to whether or not Bikram is too taxing on my system, but we’ll see.

 

 

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Whole30 Week 2

Another week down on my Whole30 challenge, and I’m now halfway done. What a difference a week makes! I didn’t realize just how tired and foggy I was during my first week. I wasn’t able to focus or do much physical activity outside of Bikram yoga. But week 2, however; was a bit of a different story. Here’s the (albeit a bit graphic) rundown of this week:

Day 8:

I felt alright. I took note that I was pooping well. I had been a little constipated my first week. Went to the grocery store to restock and included a few seed-based (sesame and sunflower) snacks. Ate some for an afternoon snack. I had a feeling these may affect me negatively. I was right…

Day 9:

The eyelid eczema that appeared around day 5 disappeared, but my legs were super itchy thanks to the seeds. It was a bummer knowing I had to cut them out, considering they were the closest thing to nuts I had left. Oh well. Also, on a lovely note, I had diarrhea. I didn’t know if it was a detox reaction, my body adjusting to the increased greens, a digestive problem, or due to the seeds. I read that this was a typical response to one’s body adjusting to the paleo diet, so I decided to wait and see before I took drastic measures.

Day 10:

Great night’s sleep. I awoke feeling very clear-headed and ready to take on the day. I got a lot of work done, too. Today was the first day I began feeling really sick of this diet, though. I didn’t crave anything in particular, it was more of a general feeling of annoyance about food preparation and food boredom. Still had that pesky green-colored diarrhea.

Day 11:

I awoke after 11+ hours of non-compliant food-based dreams. Oddly enough, I dreamed of beer and gluten, which I haven’t touched or craved in years. I still had diarrhea. By the end of the day I convinced myself that my body was falling apart and could no longer produce enough bile. Other than that, I felt pretty good energy and focus-wise.

Day 12:

I still had diarrhea. I made a note to myself to cut out coffee (I didn’t have any the first week, but had added it in around day 8 as motivation to wrap up a career certification I was working on) and add in a daily cup or two of bone broth if it continued. I was completely exhausted after my Bikram class that night. I went to bed around 9:30pm.

Day 13:

Diarrhea completely gone! Wooo! I suppose it was just a temporary body-adjustment thing. I noticed today that my face looked radiant. I have a light olive skin tone, so I usually look pretty dull and washed out, with a few blemishes for an added bonus. Not anymore. My skin was even, glowing and peachy. I even noticed the eczema on my legs clearing up nicely. They’re were still pretty dry, but I noticed hadn’t been scratching as much and all the existing scabs were fading away nicely. By the end of the night, I bouncing with energy- more energy than I had felt in months. I was also experiencing an intense craving for shitty store-bought sugar cookies with frosting. I don’t even eat that normally. My boyfriend had a glass of scotch after dinner and I wanted to dive into it, gargle it, swim in it. This was the first time I’ve experienced such intense cravings since I started the Whole30.

Day 14:

I still felt energetic, but I still dealt with sugar cravings all day. Nothing I couldn’t handle. I made it through.

Stay tuned for week 3…

 

 

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Whole 30 Week 1

Hi there, reader,

I quit my job and moved to a new state a week or so ago and I presently have a lot of down time. As I’ve been struggling with a chronic case of fatigue and recurring eczema (this time, a healthy bunch on my hip bones and lower legs) over the past six months, I decided to embark on another Whole30.

What’s a Whole30?

I’m too lazy to get into it, but it’s basically a strict paleo diet for a month. No processed foods, alcohol, no added sugar (including honey and molasses and all that stuff one may be tempted to sneak in under the guise of healthiness), no grains, no dairy, no soy. Visit the site for more details.

Is it hard?

I find it less difficult than temporary water or juice fasts and also way less difficult than the raw food diet or veganism. I tend to eat fairly healthy in general, so a month without my favorite indulgences (dark chocolate, sea salt and vinegar chips, red wine) really doesn’t kill me. I don’t really consume much grain on a regular basis, outside a bit of rice and the occasional gluten-free cracker or pastry, so I may have a bit of a leg up when it comes to this kind of thing.

What do you eat?

Vegetables, fruits, meats, eggs, certain seeds and oils, and sweet potatoes. Nuts are allowed, but since I’m allergic I obviously don’t include them. So a very basic, highly nutritional diet that supports my active lifestyle.

How’s it been?

OK. Here’s the breakdown.

Days 1-3: I had a beginner’s high. A pink cloud, if you will. My energy and spirits were up and I didn’t experience any cravings of any sort.

Day 4: Like a big idiot, I ate a bunch of dates the night before and I experienced a big sugar crash. I was tired, I was moody, kind of in a fog.

Day 5: I woke up to find I was developing a bit of eczema on my right eyelid. This happens to me every now and then, so I wrote it off as a reaction to the crazy amount of date sugar I had on night 3. I also felt pretty emotional, tearing up at dumb memes and viral videos posted on facebook.

Day 6: Still pretty tired and emotional. Had been experiencing insomnia since around day 3 or so, but I was feeling a little more chipper. I was able to concentrate a on a course I’ve been taking for the first time in a few days. Progress!

Day 7: Surprisingly tired again. Didn’t make it into yoga, even though I had been going every other day since the start of my Whole30. That was a little frustrating, but I have to allow myself to rest when my body calls for it. My emotions were all over the place, but I was able to sleep through the night. It’s the little things, I guess.

So there you have it. A synopsis of the hardest week on the Whole30. Stay tuned for the rest.

 

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thoughts

forgiveness isn’t a pass

it doesn’t mean you condone

it’s just a willingness to step back

release the ego 

and lift the weight from your back

freedom from the chains of the past 

and a fresh start

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